when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
