I am puke
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
