i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
