The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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