how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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