My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
