I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
