Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
