just tell him i said nine months
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
