does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
