Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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