she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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