the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
