Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
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just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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