I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
