I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize