Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It's rum buckets o'clock
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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