i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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