I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize