...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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