I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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