i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
