I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
