im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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