I'm so fucking centered right now
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
