I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This house was built for laser tag.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
