all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
