Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
