i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
