I heard we made out
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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