So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
