Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
