I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
