I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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