Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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