I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
