hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
