fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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