3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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