Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
