I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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