Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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