I'm so fucking centered right now
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
