Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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