my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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