Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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