A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
