Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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