i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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