were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
