yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
