im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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