I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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